I’ve lost all inspiration to write. Everyday it seems like a battle to simple get my words out of my head and onto paper and I feel like everyone wants so much from me. As you probably know or don’t know, my brother is very sick. Also, it means that my family and I are currently very broke because treatments cost so much money. Not to say we were well off to begin with, but recently it’s hard to even make ends meet. All my paycheck goes to saving so that I can pay for my college books or else I won’t be able to stay in college. Sure, I can drown all my problems by reblogging pretty photos and living in this alternate dimension I’ve created in my head, but honestly it’s time to say something. My father is fighting me for college and possibly may be taking me to court because even though he promised in the divorce papers over 13 years ago that he would pay in full (books board and everything), he suddenly has a sick child. Honestly, I feel like having a sick child is something you never ask for, but when you have a gene for making said child sick, why in God’s name would you reproduce? Since Hunter has been in the hospital, he’s been all bent out of shape saying that I don’t care about him or his child or anyone. That’s bullshit if I’ve ever heard of it. I’ve called three times, has he answered? No. Is that my fault? Maybe. Am I terrible person, though? No, I am not. And to believe that I am just makes me feel like shit. Does my own father think so lowly of me? And then not to even confront me about it hurts more than anything. Don’t hide from me, tell me how you feel regardless of how mad I am at you. Ugh, I don’t know. I barely want to see anyone anymore, I don’t hang out with my friends, I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to be, I don’t do anything but schoolwork and go to work. I don’t know. I’d never do anything drastic and I don’t owe anyone anything but I feel like maybe, just maybe I owe myself an explanation to why I can’t create or pretend any longer.
Nov10
anpaytoo 