I’ve already applied for Montclair and William Paterson but I might go for Ithaca as my one reach. Everything else is already a fall back, schools that I know I’ll get into. I guess.
Dec11
Nov22
There are moments where I am floored by how amazing the people around me are. Today Marcella, Jessie and I sat for 4 hours in Starbucks just discussing life and that’s all I really need you know? To feel comfortable around the people who I appreciate the most. Honestly, I have so many good loving people around me but I am so blinded by what’s happening right here and right now that I don’t even notice anyone else.Whether that be my church friends (that reminds me that I really miss Jenn Garcia), Coworkers (Sieve is the sweetest person on Earth and the best Swedish Grandmother ever), friends (Ariana sent me the nicest inbox on le bookface), or family (That means you, Becca!). I am just so thankful, really for everyone in my life at the moment and I just want to reach out and hug everyone in the world. Honest.
There are momen…
Nov22
best friends
Nov10
everything and then some.
I’ve lost all inspiration to write. Everyday it seems like a battle to simple get my words out of my head and onto paper and I feel like everyone wants so much from me. As you probably know or don’t know, my brother is very sick. Also, it means that my family and I are currently very broke because treatments cost so much money. Not to say we were well off to begin with, but recently it’s hard to even make ends meet. All my paycheck goes to saving so that I can pay for my college books or else I won’t be able to stay in college. Sure, I can drown all my problems by reblogging pretty photos and living in this alternate dimension I’ve created in my head, but honestly it’s time to say something. My father is fighting me for college and possibly may be taking me to court because even though he promised in the divorce papers over 13 years ago that he would pay in full (books board and everything), he suddenly has a sick child. Honestly, I feel like having a sick child is something you never ask for, but when you have a gene for making said child sick, why in God’s name would you reproduce? Since Hunter has been in the hospital, he’s been all bent out of shape saying that I don’t care about him or his child or anyone. That’s bullshit if I’ve ever heard of it. I’ve called three times, has he answered? No. Is that my fault? Maybe. Am I terrible person, though? No, I am not. And to believe that I am just makes me feel like shit. Does my own father think so lowly of me? And then not to even confront me about it hurts more than anything. Don’t hide from me, tell me how you feel regardless of how mad I am at you. Ugh, I don’t know. I barely want to see anyone anymore, I don’t hang out with my friends, I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to be, I don’t do anything but schoolwork and go to work. I don’t know. I’d never do anything drastic and I don’t owe anyone anything but I feel like maybe, just maybe I owe myself an explanation to why I can’t create or pretend any longer.
Sep1
here’s a card I made my father for last father’s day.
Sep1
you gotta step up your game to make it to the top, so go.
Today I woke up super late (around 12:30) because I wanted to sleep in before I babysat Aiden. Dana picked me up and we went driving forever just so that the babies could take a proper naps. Oh, the things parents do. Alone with Aiden we went outside to play for three hours and for most of the time he was throwing a huge fit but by the end we had a kissing war and eventually everything was fine. Bath time was a horror in and of itself but all the playing really tuckered him out so we did a quick dinner of macaroni with a side of peas and carrots and some milk. He fell asleep promptly at 7:15 pm and I finally had some time to talk to Becca and do my summer work. Tomorrow is going to be a really busy day because family is coming over, damn man.
Aug31
so I haven’t updated in a while so here is the month of August in a nutshell:
- I’ve started getting back into crafts and card making, so pictures will be up soon (hopefully).
- I’m delving more into human rights violations to raise awareness about them.
- The 4-H Bergen County Fair came and went without a hitch, I had tons of fun as a volunteer.
- Hunter was born :3
- Amy got sick so I went to Trader Joe’s and picked her up some icies and medicine.
- Marcella came home, SUPER YAY! I’ll talk about that more tomorrow.
Jun30
Thrifty Thursday: Post # 3 – Comic Book Flowers (via other such things…)
this is most definitely on my summer to do list.
May22
you and I and a flame make three.
So life is moving pretty fast for me, and I really just reached this epiphany on the subway ride to strands. Basically, in three months I’ll have another little brother (which is crazy to me). Also, I’m currently collaborating on a book as well as fixing up my house to sell it. My puppy should be placed in a foster home tomorrow morning and my stepfather is moving out sometime during the summer. I really don’t think that I consciously attempt to even think about how much stuff, and the magnitude of that stuff, has happened since I’ve recorded it. I mean in these past 3 years alone I have gained two dogs, (almost) 2 baby brothers, a stepmother, a whole new apartment, a whole new house, new friends who became old friends and then returned to new friends and finally, I’ve lost a grandmother and potentially gained so much more emotional growth than I ever expected. Becca and I lost our friendship in a way that embodied a late night fire; it dies out while everyone simply sleeps, lost in the happy events of the previous day. However, I really think we both tried to run and get blueberry twigs and dried leaves to rekindle the flame, you know? I stopped going to my shrink and plan on getting tested for manic-depressive disorder. My father doesn’t take pills but he does go to therapy three times a week, whereas I’d rather just take pills. Writing is enough of a release for me and it doesn’t cost $300 an hour. I deleted my old LJ account because I really didn’t like the mental point I was at during the time I wrote most of those entries and going back and reading them just messes with my mind. Anyway, I’m honestly trying to write everyday on this account as well as finish up my research paper. Alas, tomorrow is a new day.
Apr1
Lessons Learned Early
"no juegue en la calle" was something my dad constantly told my sister and I, both of us seemed only to fight most when we have to cross an intersection. I remember this the most because one time my dad shook me away from my sister in an attempt to separate and I lost my balance, ungracefully falling in front of a moving car. I perceived this accident as life changing, however my father played it off as if nothing had happened.
anpaytoo 